an OK day

my day kind of went with the weather today. it started out good. i was feeling a lot better than yesterday, but still under the weather. i got to see an old friend of mine from camp.

for those who don't know, i was (and still very much am) a camp kid lol. I went to the same camp for 10 years. I started out as a camper, then a C.I.T., then junior counselor, then senior counselor, and finally I became a unit leader. Best years of my life =)

so my friend came over and we got to catch up. which was great because I hadn't seen her since the summer.. so a little under a year.

after she left though, i started getting sad. probably when i realized i wasn't going to see the boyfriend. i misunderstood something that he said a few days ago. we were supposed to meet in Delaware at my school for graduation. but, when i told him i wasn't going anymore because i was sick, i thought he said he would come and see me, cause he was gonna drive 3 hours anyway. but that's not what he meant. and it really got me down, especially cause he told me to get over it. and maybe i do, but sorry that i feel like shit and i was about 1 day from going back into the hospital.

it's easy for someone like me to put up a front and pretend that i'm strong enough to handle it, but let's have an honest moment right now. i was scared.. scared shitless. being back in that hospital is never a good thing. i can't walk for a number of days. i can't eat... i have to use a freaking bucket to go to the bathroom in cause i can't walk... but thanks to my gymnastics skills have learned to maneuver myself to get to the bucket on stilts using only my arms. if i ever wind up in a wheel chair without the use of my legs i know i'll be ok. but even when i go to get my monthly blood tests i cringe and have flashbacks of the hospital... its a really terrible feeling.

a friend of mine yesterday told me that he prayed everyday for me, that i wouldn't end up in the hospital. and i'm glad he did. because that and the mix of a ridiculous amount of steroids being pumped into my body definitely help to keep me out. because i don't want to go back.. i don't know if i could do it again.

feeling him hug me 5 minutes would be enough. i hate that i've fallen so hard for someone. because i hate being vulnerable. and until now i never had a problem telling him exactly how i feel... maybe i do just need to get over it, because if i stay with him i'm going to have to get used to the army life. sweet.

i think i need a nap.